Fearful Creatures

First, let me clarify something from some earlier posts. I do understand the modern need for politeness when dealing with people, I do. I understand that sometimes it makes more sense to just smile and nod and laugh along with the asshats of the world, rather than make a scene. It's when it becomes habitual, and when it becomes a matter of never saying to the person what you are willing to say behind their back, that it becomes problematic to me. If someone's willing to say you are a "two bagger" when you're not around (two bagger: meaning that it would require two bags over your face before the rest of you could be considered attractive), while only calling you sexy or pretty or whatever to your face...I'd say there's a problem there.

Next is the fact of people being frightened of me, and my anger. Now, I admit...I am often angry. Have an aura of anger, as some have put it, since it's not exactly coscious, I can be laughing and having a great time, and still give that feeling of anger. But firstly is the fact that that previous statement means that obviously, I can't help it. Next is the fact that those who truly matter, and have really gotten to know the person I am, know that no matter how scary I may be, I am generally only dangerous on their behalf, or that of others. Because I am a protector and avenger by nature. And the others...obviously never cared enough to find that out.

It just begins to seem to me that... well, that the majority of the human species is comprised creatures willing to speak about what is right, good, and/or decent. And yet few of these tremulous creatures are even marginall willing or able to match their actions to their words. It seems wrong to me, to claim to value some trait or ideal, and then be unwilling to do anything at all for it. Maybe I am alone in this thinking, but it seems that that would actually make it completely valueless, and to make such a person a complete hypocrite. I do not mean that such a ideal must always be upheld, no matter the detriment that may cause oneself. But if it is never upheld, fought for, practiced, or anything else, ever, at all...

A letter...

This...is a little more personalized than most of my posts. But, it is something that I need to expel to the aether, to get it out of me. A letter, to someone that I really cannot stand to speak to in real life, simply because it makes me too sad, and makes me risk losing my (surprisingly, to some) tightly-reigned control:

"So, I asked you a small favor. A small one. I had left behind two items: My boots, and one of my favorite blades. All I asked was that you bring them along to someplace you were going to be going anyway. They weren't some cumbersome load. They weren't huge items that would require careful loading. And it wasn't like I asked you to go out of your way or make any special trip. Nor did I mention, at first, all the times that I have done the same for you when I found something left behind in my car, without needing to be asked. I did it because they were your items, and it was the right thing to do. So your first response was to get pissy with me, and say that you refused my messenger, and imply that I was asking something outrageous. And it took me having to convince you, to make you see that...this should not have been a big deal.

Then you never showed at the event. Now, I can understand that something might have come up, I truly do. However, the polite thing to do, the civilized and right thing...if someone is expecting something, maybe even looking forward to it, a message would be a nice thing to send when you cannot fulfill. Again: Not a big thing. 'Steven, I can't be there Saturday. So, in other words, I can't bring you your stuff.' You know? Simple. And then I would have known what was going on, and wouldn't have spent extra time outside, waiting for you to arrive, expecting and looking forward to getting these items back. It would have been the polite and decent thing to do; which is why I am not surprised that I received no such message.

You say you want to be friends, but you understand if it's too hard for me. Frankly, 'precious', it's not that it's too hard for me. It's that I know what you are really like. I spent too much time around you, listening to you talk behind the backs of others, telling untruths about me and to me. More time than was reasonable, simply because I was too far into you to see it then. Yet I held out hope that you could show yourself to be better, and I was fooled once more. You are a deceitful, insecure, and selfish person. You cloak your selfishness by pretending to be kind to others, but only do so to their faces, and so they will speak glowingly of you and salve your horrible insecurities. I don't hate you, nor am I angry anymore. Do whatever you want with my things, I don't care anymore. Say what you want, those who have seen me before and after I met you and the one before know the truth of what I am like. And all I feel for you now is pity."

Lyrics...

"My brother, you love her
But don't give up your instincts
Hang onto you know what
They'll be gone fast as you blink
They're trained to suduce you
Suck you dry quick as they can
They tried to reduce you
Now you're barely a man

Oh my God
How can you deny the flood
That's flowing through you

Hey you
You're saying that she's all that you desire
Liar
Hey you
You think you can throw water on this fire
Liar

It's not wrong to let go
And let the woman ride you
For fuck sake, don't lose touch
With the dog that's inside you
She wanted what you had
You bet she smelt the spore
Don't give up, fuck her up
One more time, slam that door

Oh my God
How can you deny the flood
That's flowing through you

Hey you
You're saying that she's all that you desire
Liar
Hey you
You think you can throw water on this fire
Liar

Oh my God
How can you deny the flood
That's flowing through you

Hey you
You're saying that she's all that you desire
Liar
Hey you
You think you can throw water on this fire
Liar

Oh my God
How can you deny the flood
That's flowing through you"
-"Liar", by Korn

Humans just don't seem to think...

So, I get people telling me that they're too afraid to give me the constructive criticism I specifically ask for. Because they're too afraid of me getting angry at them. Going to set aside the fact that those who do tell me things will (hopefully) agree that though I might get annoyed, I am usually willing to listen and think about it.

No, my annoyance and amusement comes from this: These same people, too cowardly to speak to my face or even send a note or E-mail...then speak disparagingly about me behind my back. Seriously, am I the only one who finds this rather stupid? If you're afraid of me being angry for saying something directly to me, what makes you think I'd be less angry to find you said shit behind my back? At least by saying it directly to me, you show a modicum of RESPECT. I'd ask if people could really be that dumb, but...

And it's not just to me. Humans do this all the time. And it always seems to get found out, usually in some roundabout way. Person A says something to person B, about person X. B then speaks to C. C then later tells D on the phone, not realizing that person X is sitting near enough to hear it all? "**sob** Well, I didn't want to hurt you by telling you..." And you honestly thought that it would hurt less to find out from another person, and to know you had so little respect and care for them? To know that you obviously didn't think highly enough of them to think that they could handle such news from someone that supposedly cares about them?

Filler!

Had other things to do today, couldn't think of a good post. So, here's some quotes, for filler:

"Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent." -Friedrich Nietzsche
"Anger is one of the sinews of the soul." -Thomas Fuller
"Be patient and tough; some day this pain will be useful to you." -Ovid
"Honesty is praised and left in the cold." -Juvenal
"Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned" -William Congreve
"When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear." -Mark Twain
"It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society." -Jiddu Krishnamurti
"If there is something to pardon in everything, there is also something to condemn." -Friedrich Nietzsche
"Never does nature say one thing and wisdom another." -Juvenal
"The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing." -Socrates
"Wisdom is knowing what to do next; virtue is doing it." -David Starr Jordan
"A pair of powerful spectacles has sometimes sufficed to cure a person in love." -Friedrich Nietzsche

And lastly, two of my favorites. The latter is one I just recently stumbled across. Oddly, I now feel like finding out more about this person...

"Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names." -JFK

"The world needs anger. The world often continues to allow evil because it isn't angry enough." -Bede Jarrett

Restaurant Review: China Wok

Location: Athens, GA; on Jefferson Hwy (129) right by Loop 10, in the Homewood Hills shopping center

Normally, I am extremely wary of this style of Chinese restaurant. It's located in a shopping center, with the picture menu directly above the counter. Two or three tables, little else. You know the type I mean?

However, this one is actually very good, and relatively affordable. They lack the bells and whistles of many Chinese restaurants, the atmosphere, etc. However, the food is very good. Their spring rolls number among my favorites (and I loves me some spring rolls). The chow mein is quite good, and you get a huge portion of it. I have thus far been twice. The last time I went, I got two orders of spring rolls, and the Singapore Chow Mein Fun. I spent about $11. I walked out with enough food for me to eat a filling dinner, with enough of the chow mein leftover to share with my brother's girlfriend, and still enough after that for me to have lunch the next day. And it was loaded with pork and shrimp and egg and green onions, all in a slightly spicy curry sauce.

If you're passing through the area, wanting to get something to go on your way home, I recommend this place. In fact...now I'm hungry, dammit.

They would see, save that they choose to be blind

Some things were said to me and around me not too long, and I couldn't help but...think about it. They were those types of statements that just kind of prompt thought, at least apparently from me and those like me.

"I don't want to hear negative things about X, they're a good friend of mine." Now, mayhaps I am alone in this: I appreciate hearing something negative about a friend. NOT because I want to wallow in the gossip, or blackmail them, or anything else. And maybe I am alone in this. But it seems to me that someone who can make this statement might not be the best type of friend to have, because they are the type who willingly choose to be blind. This is the type of willing blindness that only values a friend as long as there is no hardship, no strife, who only sees half of the person. Can that truly be regarded as a true friend, someone who only wants to see half of you? Or, am I the only one who values my real friends, as opposed to my acquaintances, because they have seen the harsher sides of me...and supported me through it, helped me, listened to me, and were still there when things got better. I love the song "Ugly Side", by Blue October; it makes me appreciate more those who have seen mine, and accepted it as merely another part of me.

Which leads to another issue I have with the above statement. If someone is truly your friend, wouldn't you want to know when something bad is done to or by them? Because otherwise, you won't be able to help them with things, established patterns that you see them repeat. You'd know they are detrimental, you know these things hurt them...but instead you choose to pretend that they are not there. Is that the mark of a true friend, ignoring and being willingly blind to friend's mistakes and problems...or is that a mark of selfishness?

"I'm trying to be neutral." When two friends of yours have a conflict, you cannot be neutral. It is not possible. All you can be is complacent. Even attempting neutrality, you are going to side more with one or the other. The only way to truly be neutral...is to address the problem, and try to solve the conflict. Think about what you know of each party, the time you've known each. The truths will be in there, if you know anything at all about either person, you simply have to sift through it. Ignoring an issue is not neutral.

One last point, to finish the overall topic of people choosing to willingly wear blinders. When you hear of someone doing something bad, selfish, dishonorable, or just downright horrible, and you agree that that something is bad, and then you choose to ignore it and laugh and smile with that person, never mentioning it...that is almost just as bad. You have thus given implied consent in those actions that you previously condemned, as well as greatly increasing the chances that it will be repeated. Plus, by not choosing to see the negatives in that way, you give up all rights to complaint or surprise when the same thing is done to you.

Help me win toys...

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Self Image: Idealism

I do, and will, rant a lot about other people, and society in general. However, I do also admit that I have my faults. I am a bit of a codependent person (trying to fix that one), I am an idealist, I am angry, and I am a (controlled) violent person. Today, I just want to discuss a bit on idealism.

Yes, I know that being an idealist has it's disadvantages, some pretty severe. The main one being that I have tendency to not act as the world is, but instead as the world should be. On the other hand, I do not see this as necessarily negative.

Yes, I see the world as it should be, not always as it is. On the other hand...I also act according to how the world should be (at least as I perceive it). This gets back to many of my problems with people, and their complacency. Because people seem to too often say something along the lines of, "Yeah, that sucks, but that's how it goes." And I have to look at them in complete disbelief. If you know it sucks, and you dislike it...DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! This does not have to be anything extreme, I am not advocating blowing up places or killing irksome people. Just little things. Because they add up, believe it or not. If you think that someone you know did something horrible, don't just shrug your shoulders and say, "Well, that's how they are." Tell them. You don't have to be angry about it, don't have to cut them out of your life. And yes, you may risk losing a friend. On the other hand, your complacency risks them doing the same horrible things, and doing it TO YOU! And by telling them you have done an odd little thing that I like to call: standing up for what you believe in. Also sometimes known as standing up for what is right. I know: Odd concept. If you think some restaurant or business has done something horrible...stop giving them your damn money, and let them know why. I know this one can be tricky, I myself still go to Wal-Mart on occasion, but I restrict it to as rare an occasion as possible. It can be something as simple as spreading the word, but it's a matter of doing SOMETHING, not just shrugging and saying that that's how things are. If it's bad, and it's horrible, you can do something about it.

Yes, I live in an ideal world. It's often the world I WANT to see, instead of the world that is. Yes, it can sometimes make difficulties. And yes, I get frustrated and angry when the two don't match, and even more so when the complacent sheep around me are fine with what they know is bad. And it angers me when I stand up for what is right...and people chastise me or are EMBARRASSED by me for the effort. You know what? It's not going to stop me. I am an idealist. I see the world as it should be, and I see the little things that I can do to make it happen. And I refuse to be complacent, because I want that world, and I want to share it with the handful of people that truly matter to me. If you're one of those people who tell me I'm too angry (a subject that I will discourse more on later), maybe you should stop a minute, and think of why.

Quick Note

There will soon be ads on here. I signed up for and approved it, no clue what the actual ads will be. But I will hopefully get some money from it, which I need. So shut up.